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Jealousy and Trust

If you have ever felt that jealousy is the pain of love, read on. The torture of jealousy is a by-product of sex, not love.
Jealousy is not a primary emotion. It is a secondary part of sex. Jealousy enters because you are not in love. If you are in love, jealousy never enters.
If you are attached to a woman or man sexually, you are always afraid that they may go to somebody else. You are exploiting each other; you don't love and you know it, so you are afraid. This fear becomes jealousy; you make every security arrangement so this man cannot look at another woman. Even looking will be a danger signal. He should not talk to another woman because talking...and you feel afraid he may leave. So you close all the doors.
But then a problem arises. First you make security arrangements, then the person becomes dead, like an object to be guarded, possessed, controlled. And the more you control, the more you are killing, because freedom is lost. The other person may stay for other reasons, but not for love. How can you love a person who possesses you?
Sex creates jealousy. It is not a question of how to drop jealousy; you cannot drop it because you cannot drop sex. The question is how to transform sex into love; then jealousy disappears.
When you love a person you trust that he cannot go to anybody. And if he goes, he goes. What can you do? You can kill the person, but a dead person will not be of much use. If he goes, there is no love and nothing can be done. Love brings this understanding. So if jealousy is there, know well there is no love. You are playing a game; love is just a painted word; the reality is sex.
In India, because love is not allowed - marriage is arranged - tremendous jealousy exists. The husband and wife both know that this has been an arrangement. The parents arranged, astrologers arranged, society arranged; the wife and husband were never asked. In many cases they never knew each other; they had never seen each other - so fear exists. Both are afraid, and both are spying on each other. The very possibility of love is lost.
How can love grow in fear? They can live together, but they only tolerate each other. It is just utilitarian, and out of utility ecstasy is not possible. You cannot celebrate it, it cannot become festive; it will be a burdensome affair. It is two dead persons taking revenge on each other, because each thinks that one has killed the other. Taking revenge, angry, jealous - the whole thing becomes so ugly.
In the West a different phenomenon is happening at the other extreme. They dropped arranged marriage, and it is good - that institution is not worth keeping - but by dropping it, love has not arisen; only sex has become free. And when sex is free you are always afraid, because it is always a temporary arrangement. You are with this girl tonight, tomorrow she will be with somebody else, and yesterday she was with somebody else. How can this be very intimate and deep?
If sex becomes such a trivial thing - just a bodily affair where surfaces meet and separate - your depth remains untouched. You are missing something great, something very mysterious - because you become aware of your own depth, your inner being, only when somebody else touches it. Only in deep relationship does somebody's love resound in you and bring your depth into being. Only through somebody else do you discover yourself.
There are two ways of discovery. One is meditation - without the other you search for depth; the other is love - with another you search for depth. He becomes a route to reach yourself. The other creates a circle, and both lovers help each other. The deeper love goes, the more their inner beings are revealed. But then there is no jealousy. Love cannot be jealous; it is impossible.
Trust cannot be forced. Jealousy tries to force it: you make every effort so that trust can be maintained. But trust is not something to be maintained. It is there or it is not there; nothing can be done about it. If it is there, you go through it; if it is not there, better separate. But don't fight for it because you are wasting time, wasting your life.
If you love someone and your depth speaks to the other's depth - you have a meeting in being - it is beautiful; if it is not happening, separate. If there is no trust, separate - the sooner, the better - so you are not destroyed, so you are not damaged, so your capacity to love remains fresh and you can love somebody else. This is not the place, this is not the man or the woman for you. Move - but don't destroy each other.
Don't waste your energy in fighting, jealousy, conflict; move, and move in a friendly way. Search somewhere else for the person who exists who will love you. Don't get fixed on someone who is wrong for you. Don't be angry - there is no point in it. Move. Either trust or move.
Love always trusts, or if it finds that trust is not possible it simply moves in a friendly way; there is no conflict or fight. Sex creates jealousy. Discover love; don't make sex the basic thing - it is not.
Through sex, the West is missing love; through marriage, the East has missed. But if you are alert you need not be eastern or western. Love is neither eastern nor western.
Go on discovering love within you. And if you love, sooner or later the person will happen to you, because a loving heart comes to a loving heart - it always happens. You will find the right person. But if you are jealous you will not find love. If you are simply for sex you will not find love. If you live only for security you will not find love. Love is a dangerous path and only those who have courage can travel it.

Excerpted from A Bird on the Wing, Osho

There are two ways of discovery. One is meditation - without the other you search for depth; the other is love - with another you search for depth. He becomes a route to reach yourself. The other creates a circle, and both lovers help each other. The deeper love goes, the more their inner beings are revealed. But then there is no jealousy. Love cannot be jealous; it is impossible.
Zveřejněno 02.06.2004 v 18:15 hodin
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