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Relationships: Learning to Love

Your transformation can come through an intimate relationship. What can you do to help this happen?
Relationship is one of the mysteries. Because it exists between two persons, it depends on both. Each person is a world unto himself or herself, a complex mystery with a long past and an eternal future. In the beginning only peripheries meet. But if the relationship grows intimate, becomes closer, becomes deeper, then by and by centers start meeting.
When centers meet, it is called love. When peripheries meet, it is acquaintance: you touch the person from the outside, from the boundary. Many times you start calling your acquaintance your love. Acquaintance is not love.
Love is very rare. To meet a person at his center is to pass through a revolution yourself, because if you want to meet a person at his center, you will have to allow that person to reach to your center also. You will have to become absolutely vulnerable, open.
An old Zen monk was on his deathbed; he declared that that evening he would be no more. So followers, disciples, friends started coming from far and wide.
One of his old disciples, when he heard that the master was going to die, ran to the market. Somebody asked, "The master is dying, why are you going to the market?" The old disciple said, "I know that my master loves a particular type of cake, so I am going to purchase the cake."
Everybody was worried - it was as if the master was waiting for someone. He would open his eyes and look, and close his eyes again. And when this disciple came, he said, "Okay, so you have come. Where is the cake?" The disciple produced it - and he was very happy that the master asked about the cake.
Dying, the master took the cake in his hand. He was very old, but his hand was not trembling. Somebody asked, "You are so old and just on the verge of dying. The last breath is soon to leave you, but your hand is not trembling."
The master said, "I never tremble, because there is no fear. My body has become old, but I am still young, and I will remain young even when the body is gone."
Then he started munching the cake. And then somebody asked, "What is your last message, Master? You will be leaving us soon. What do you want us to remember?"
The master smiled and said, "Ah, this cake is delicious."
This is a man who lives in the here and now; even death is irrelevant. The next moment is meaningless. This moment this cake is delicious. If you can be in this moment, this presentness, then only can you love.
When you are not afraid, then there is nothing to hide, then you can be open, then you can withdraw all boundaries. And then you can invite the other to penetrate you to the very core. If you allow somebody to penetrate you deeply, the other will allow you to penetrate into himself or herself, because when you allow somebody to penetrate you, trust is created. When you are not afraid, the other becomes fearless.
In your love, fear is always there. The husband is afraid of the wife, the wife is afraid of the husband. Lovers are always afraid. Then it is not love. Then it is just an arrangement of two fearful persons depending on each other, fighting, exploiting, manipulating, controlling, dominating, possessing - but it is not love.
Love is difficult. Fear has to be dropped. And this is the strange thing: you are so afraid and you have nothing to lose.
Kabir has said somewhere: I look into people. They are so much afraid, but I can't see why - because they have nothing to lose. Says Kabir: They are like a person who is naked, but never goes to bathe in the river because he is afraid - where will he dry his clothes? This is the situation you are in - naked, with no clothes, but always afraid about the clothes.
What have you got to lose? Nothing. This body will be taken by death. Before it is taken by death, give it to love. Whatsoever you have will be taken away. Before it is taken away, why not share it? Before anything can be taken away from you, you will have already given it, you will have made it a gift. There can be no death.
For a lover there is no death. For a non-lover, every moment is a death, because every moment something is being snatched away from him.
Love makes you desireless. Desire comes with discontent. You desire because you don't have. You desire because you think if you have something it will give you contentment. Desire is out of discontent.
When there is love and two centers have met and dissolved and merged, and a new alchemical quality is born, contentment is there. It is as if the whole existence has stopped - no movement. Then the present moment is the only moment. And then you can say, "Ah, this cake is delicious." Even death doesn't mean anything to a man who is in love.
If love is there, for the first time you will be feeling that existence is divine and everything is a blessing. But much has to be done before this can happen. Much has to be destroyed before this can happen. You have to destroy all that creates barriers in you.
Make love a sadhana, an inner discipline. Don't allow it just to be a frivolous thing. Don't allow it to be just an occupation of the mind. Don't allow it to be just a bodily satisfaction. Make it an inner search, and take the other as a help, as a friend.
If you can find a consort, a friend, a woman or a man, who is ready to move with you towards the inner center, who is ready to move with you to the highest peak of relationship, then this relationship will become meditative. Then through this relationship you will achieve the ultimate relationship. Then the other becomes just a door.
Through your lover, you find the divine. If your lover or beloved cannot become divine, then nothing in this world can become divine. The basic key is this: you should allow the other to penetrate you to your very deepest core, to the very ground of your being.
Love is an every-moment discovery: the honeymoon never ends. If it ends it was not a honeymoon at all - it was just an acquaintance.
In the relationship of love you always blame the other if something goes wrong. If something is not happening as it should, the other is responsible. This will destroy the whole possibility of future growth.
Remember you are always responsible, and change yourself. Drop those qualities which create trouble. Make love a self-transformation; then don't say the other is wrong. Just try to find out: somewhere, something must be wrong in you, and drop that wrongness.
It is going to be difficult because it is going against the ego; it will hurt your pride. It is going to be difficult because you will not be dominating, possessing. You will not be more powerful through possessing the other. This will destroy your ego - that's why it is going to be difficult.
But destruction of the ego is the point, the goal. Through love it can be done very easily. And it is so natural! Love is the natural religion. Anything else is going to be more and more unnatural. If you cannot work through love, it will be difficult for you to work through anything else.
You have been in relationships in the past. You have loved, you have hated, you have made friends and you have made enemies. But if you start brooding about it, you will miss the present moment. So think as if there is no past and no future. Behave as if this moment is all and work out how you can transform your energies into a loving phenomenon - this very moment.
The present is more than enough. Munch the cake and say: This cake is delicious. Don't think of the past and don't think of the future; they will take care of themselves.

Excerpted from My Way: The Way of the White Clouds, Osho

What have you got to lose? This body will be taken by death. Before it is taken by death, give it to love. Before it is taken away, why not share it?
Zveřejněno 02.06.2004 v 16:52 hodin
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